Versace introduces their new collection of Haz-mat suits...

...This could very well be what the headlines of fashion magazines read in the next twenty years. The latest edition of Time magazine is a speical report all about the effects of global warming, and it basically tells us how obscenely fucked we all are. All I have to say is that its about time. Thousands of men, all of them far more intelligent than the buffoon thats currently running our country, have been saying for years that global warming is a real threat. They have been saying that unless we do something, we are going to have a serious environmental crisis on our hands. Lo and behold, they were right. I guess before I get any further into this, it is fair to warn you that I am very, very angry about all of this. Even now, George Bush still says that global warming needs more research. When one of NASA's experts on the earths climate stated than unless we reduce CO2 emissions within the next ten years and keep them down we are going to face global warming on a scale unheard of, the whitehouse actually tried to censor it, saying that it was all speculation. Tell me this- how much of an idiot does one have to be to say that ice doesn't melt when it gets warm? Obviously, one must be the kind of idiot that so happens to find themselves in compelte control of the worlds most powerful military. I don't think people understand how amazingly serious the situation is. You see, the ice from the Polar caps are what regulate the earth’s constant temperature. Polar ice reflects 90% of the suns energy, thereby keeping the planet cool. As that ice melts, however, it obviously turns into water. The problem is, instead of reflecting the suns energy; water actually absorbs 90% of the suns energy. It is because of this that every mile of ice that melts does so exponentially faster than the mile before it. In other words, we’re fucked. In the next twenty years, there are going to be about 1 billion more Chinese people driving around in cars. Needless to say, that is a lot of pollution in the air. These greenhouse gasses are going to eventually kill us. And the man in charge of the most influential country in the world, the one country that has the ability to truly make a difference, ignores all scientific data handed to him. It truly worries me knowing that the man Bush has places in charge of the environment used to be a lobbyist for oil companies. Do you see the conflict of interests? Since the environment can’t exactly pay him anything, other than well, clean air and the paper he needs to print out his money, he obviously sides with the oil industry. As Bill Maher put it, we are going to be fossilized by the fossil fuels we worship. This is what really gets me angry though. See, I would always look at Bush with the most contempt I could possibly have for a man. But I always thought in the back of my mind, “In four more years, America will realize their mistake and we will have a competent president in office”. Now, however, I’ve realized that in four more years, it won’t matter who we have as president. The damage we are doing right now may very well be irreversible in the future. And this isn’t talking about future generations, its talking about us in our fifties. Remember, global warming is speeding up exponentially- meaning its speeding up fast. Unless everyone pitches in now, and actively makes a difference, we are all going to ruin the earth. Now ask yourself, what would Jesus do?

Ok, that was my angry little speech. Now we can get to the funny parts.

I have an idea: next time, when we vote for president, think. I’m tired of all these people praising Bush, saying he has “good, wholesome values”. Last time I checked, we were voting for a leader, not a breakfast cereal. To say Bush has “good, wholesome values” is like saying Hitler was the worlds greatest humanitarian. While ETS might let you write that in an essay, the fact is that you’re wrong. Keep in mind, Bush is the man who led our country into war, a war that he now says he started because of “intelligence errors”. This only reaffirms the oxymoronic statement “Military intelligence”. Sometimes I think that the world would be better off if Bush were in a coma. I honestly believe that his snores would be more articulate than him. An interesting thought- do coma patients snore? Anyway, that is beside the point. The “good, wholesome values” that have been wrongly attributed to Bush are the same values that made him want to privatize logging in national parks. These are the same values that made him want to teach creationism and make gay marriage unconstitutional. These, my friends, are not “good, wholesome values”. These are what we call, “Nazi, fascist values.” Or Christian ones. Speaking of which….
I was lured into an underhanded conversion scheme by a church the other day. My friend and I were lured in with the promise of all you can eat burgers for a dollar. Once we got there, they said that they had to preach to us for an hour before we got to eat. One of the pastors there went on talking, giving the most pointless and inarticulate speech I have ever heard. He used the word “like” improperly well over 100 times. And he tried to connect him almost being mauled to death by a bear as sign from God for him to be Christian. The only sign I can see in that is God saying “fuck off”. What bothered me the most was that he always said “I’m not trying to convert any non-Christians here today”, right after he got done saying “Have you ever stopped to think that the Bible is true?” And he would always look directly at me whenever he said that. But then, he said something that crossed the line. “There is more evidence that Jesus was alive than there is for evolution”. Get ready for it……..NO FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!! Maybe that’s because Jesus actually was a real person!!!!! But, let’s introduce this little idea- maybe he wasn’t the son of God? I know its blasphemy. To honestly believe all the stores in the Bible at true really baffles me. It says that Noah gathered together two of every species in the world, put them on a boat and managed to get them to fuck. There are 800,000 different species of insects alone. And, they are located all around the world, so Noah must have done quite a bit of walking. There is one explanation- maybe all the other species evolved from one insect? But no, that would go against the Bible as well. Remember, evolution doesn’t exist and all science is wrong. You see, every religion has its leader, and Christianities was Jesus. The problem was, no one followed him. They just took his last name and hammered some nails in his wrists. There is famous quote that says “If Jesus was alive today, there is one thing he wouldn’t be- Christian.” I completely agree with this quote. It really is sad that the people who have completely perverted Christianity give such a bad name to Christians around the world. Remember, I love everybody. I have absolutely no problem with Christianity, as long as it is true Christianity and not the kind that worships money.
I’m tired rite now, and I have to get back to my homework, so I will just wrap this up. Moral of this blog- sell your fuck-you-mobile, don’t support Bush, and be a true Christian. Buddhist is preferred. That’s all for now. Good night.