George Carlin

"I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!
I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.
I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.
But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!"

This was the opening to George Carlin's show that i saw, and its called "the modern man". This man is an absolute comic genius.

I've done it

I have figured out why we can't solve any problems. We spend too much time researching the most useless things. One man in Boston, Massachusetts recently released his new invention to the general public. What was it? Prosthetic Dog Testicles. This man invested $500,000 on developing fake dog testicles. They even come in various shapes, sizes, firmness, and weight. Options we all wish we had. This man even won an award for his accomplishments, the IG Nobel Prize, perhaps the most useless award ever conceived. It is awarded to scientists who do basically the most bullshit research in the world. It was here that I learned that prosthetic dog testicles is perhaps one of the more legitimate endeavors undertaken by people throughout history. Two “scientists” in New England actually studied the brain waves of locusts …while they were watching Star Wars. Now I’m not sure, but I think that the brainwave activity would have gone down during that experiment, for both the locusts and the scientists. At the University of Minnesota, a group of researchers conducted experiments to prove whether or not you can swim faster in syrup or water. I am curious to know whether they used maple or strawberry syrup. Now, all these experiments have exactly one thing in common. They have provided the world with what is perhaps the most useless information ever. Although, if I was drowning in syrup, I would like to know my odds of survival. Even large companies such as Pfizer are wasting their time. They spend billions of dollars developing a pills that give you a boner for up to 36 hours. That would just hurt. But I can’t say all bad things about these experiments, because they do provide me with a lot of material to write about.

On a different note, I have further proof that the children are being left behind. Way behind, and I mean so fucking far back that the damaged children are passing them up. I was talking to a good friend today, one who shall remain unnamed as not to ruin his chances of ever getting laid, and he asked one of the stupidest questions I have ever heard. He was wondering whether saying “Fuck Bush” is illegal. America has reached a new low when the first amendment of the Bill of Rights is lost on an 11th grader in AP United States History. Bill Maher is right, either you learn the Bill of Rights or you don’t get social security. It is the same type of people who ask such stupid questions that believe that the government should censor newspapers, which is an alarming 30% of high school students. America is just full of problems.

Now even the richest people in this country are fighting amongst one another, and surprisingly it’s not for money. They are fighting over a parking spot. The people who are rich enough to build their own parking lot, plate the floor of it in gold, and then drive a huge Fuck- You Mobile over it are tying up our courts over a parking spot. Surely the courts could be dealing with something better, like the amazingly high divorce rate in this country. But I guess that is just America. We live in a land where the most privileged kids in the world throw it all away for a day in the mall, where gay people are a greater threat to America than terrorism (or Bush), and where it seems the very freedoms that are so blatantly abused by so many people will be the ultimate downfall of even more. I wish I could just get over it.