I've done it

I have figured out why we can't solve any problems. We spend too much time researching the most useless things. One man in Boston, Massachusetts recently released his new invention to the general public. What was it? Prosthetic Dog Testicles. This man invested $500,000 on developing fake dog testicles. They even come in various shapes, sizes, firmness, and weight. Options we all wish we had. This man even won an award for his accomplishments, the IG Nobel Prize, perhaps the most useless award ever conceived. It is awarded to scientists who do basically the most bullshit research in the world. It was here that I learned that prosthetic dog testicles is perhaps one of the more legitimate endeavors undertaken by people throughout history. Two “scientists” in New England actually studied the brain waves of locusts …while they were watching Star Wars. Now I’m not sure, but I think that the brainwave activity would have gone down during that experiment, for both the locusts and the scientists. At the University of Minnesota, a group of researchers conducted experiments to prove whether or not you can swim faster in syrup or water. I am curious to know whether they used maple or strawberry syrup. Now, all these experiments have exactly one thing in common. They have provided the world with what is perhaps the most useless information ever. Although, if I was drowning in syrup, I would like to know my odds of survival. Even large companies such as Pfizer are wasting their time. They spend billions of dollars developing a pills that give you a boner for up to 36 hours. That would just hurt. But I can’t say all bad things about these experiments, because they do provide me with a lot of material to write about.

On a different note, I have further proof that the children are being left behind. Way behind, and I mean so fucking far back that the damaged children are passing them up. I was talking to a good friend today, one who shall remain unnamed as not to ruin his chances of ever getting laid, and he asked one of the stupidest questions I have ever heard. He was wondering whether saying “Fuck Bush” is illegal. America has reached a new low when the first amendment of the Bill of Rights is lost on an 11th grader in AP United States History. Bill Maher is right, either you learn the Bill of Rights or you don’t get social security. It is the same type of people who ask such stupid questions that believe that the government should censor newspapers, which is an alarming 30% of high school students. America is just full of problems.

Now even the richest people in this country are fighting amongst one another, and surprisingly it’s not for money. They are fighting over a parking spot. The people who are rich enough to build their own parking lot, plate the floor of it in gold, and then drive a huge Fuck- You Mobile over it are tying up our courts over a parking spot. Surely the courts could be dealing with something better, like the amazingly high divorce rate in this country. But I guess that is just America. We live in a land where the most privileged kids in the world throw it all away for a day in the mall, where gay people are a greater threat to America than terrorism (or Bush), and where it seems the very freedoms that are so blatantly abused by so many people will be the ultimate downfall of even more. I wish I could just get over it.