A slow start

It's been a while, but I'm back...

A recent thought... I was standing on the second floor of a two story building, about to walk down the stairs when I had an epiphany... how do handicapped people escape from burning buildings? The signs clearly state "in case of fire, use stairs", but that just seems like some cruel joke the powers that be are playing on the cast of Murderball. My first thought would be to use the trash chute. It would be like a giant slide, only for grown-ups, but then I realized you'd be landing in a pile of presumably flammable and quite possibly toxic waste, and then of course you'd have to deal with the whole "I can't use my legs" thing. Hmm, not an acceptable solution... Really, those poor bastards don't deserve to burn while the rest of us ambulatory folk spite them with our survival. Sure, it could be natural selection at work, but thats just harsh...

Another random thought regarding the gays... imagine what it must have been like for the first cave man to come out to his family. That must have been some pretty terrible news, hell, it was probably a death sentence for the tribe. "Fuck, that was our only son!" Even still, since being gay was a new concept, he would have to be the first person to "experiment", and figure out exactly how he was going to manage. Then of course, he would have to explain this all to his parents, cause I'm sure they would be quite curious.
"Well, you see dad, if you push hard enough, it just kinda goes in..."
Even better, imagine when the first two gay people met. Imagine how that conversation went...
"Hey, I'm gay..."
"No shit! Me too!"
"Well then, lets go into a back room and stick things where they don't belong!" (Experiment with different accents, see which one works best)
And back then, there probably wasn't much of a market for lube...

A breakthrough

I've finally unraveled this whole government conspiracy. See, the government got in bed with all the oil companies, the fast food companies, and the pharmaceutical companies and came up with their plan to take over the world. First, they work with the oil companies to get America addicted to oil. That way, anyone with a car would rather sacrifice some rights so that the government can intervene and keep prices down. This controls the rich population with all their gas-guzzlers and fuck you mobiles. Next, they work with the fast food companies to make the food as fattening and unhealthy as possible, making the poor that have to eat at McDonalds so damn fat and unmotivated that they will only sit around and complain without actually doing anything. This controls all the poor people. Finally, they get pharmaceutical companies to convince anyone who has ever felt sad that they need Zoloft, thus making them so numb that they won't care about whats going on in the world. This controls the middle class that wishes they were rich. They have now effectively controlled the entire American population, and are now free to roam about the world with utter impunity.


Ok, all of that was a joke, but this is completely serious- War is evil. Why are we sending millions of our troops over to the middle east under false pretenses, so they can spread a democracy that we can barely keep together? These are peoples lives that are being ruined, families being torn apart and homes being wrecked. Why can't we redirect all that effort into something positive, somethign productive? Look at these fires that are ravaging California, why can't we spend half as much money into fighting those? We're just going along with the rule of entropy really, and accelerating this worlds decay into a state of disorder. It is only the real heroes of our time that work to slow this down, even to reverse it. We need more of them, and I can only hope to become one of them when I start working.

Grandmothers in Iraq? The debate over peace?

A grandmother is voluntarily going over to Iraq as a nurse. I ask, what good will a grandmother be to soldiers in a war zone? Home baked muffins perhaps? How about some fresh squeezed lemonade? Oh, lets get a Band- Aid on that missing limb. This grandmother going over, however, could be a sign of the times. When it comes to the point where we need to send our grandmothers into the war, I think it means we lost. Or that the Iraqi army really sucks.

Also, some pour soul is being fined $25 a day for hanging a christmas wreath in the shape of a peace sign in front of their house. Whats surprising is the fact that they are debating over a Christmas tradition. Had it been from any other religion, I could understand. We are a nation of ignorant and intolerant xenophobes after all. But to be debating a Christmas wreath? And a peace sign? People say that the peace sign is an Anti-War sentiment regarding the war in Iraq. Or... a Satanic symbol? I shall deal with that later... Well, regarding the Anti- War argument, well yes, I think a PEACE symbol would inherently be ANTI WAR. But, it could be against the war in Darfur, or the Central African Republic Civil War, or the Israel- Lebanon conflict. But honestly, are people really saying that peace is a bad thing? What level Nazi must one be to agree with that statment? Regarding the Satanic symbol... I'm not even going to touch it. Just laugh at it, and trust me in the fact that it's funny.


P.S.- I've noticed i have quite the love of ellipsis...

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I really wanted to start up this blog again by staying away from political issues, but it appears I have failed in my first post. I was looking for a good laugh, so I decided to check out Fox News. Lo and behold, one of their first headlines is... "Debate over whether humans are to blame for Earth's rising temperatures isn't decided yet, but it is quickly being eclipsed by a new argument over who should manage global warming policy in the U.S."

Who hasn't decided yet? A redneck C- student that managed to steal an election and in the process send thousands of men and women over to Iraq to die? Ahhh, well then it must be questionable. Lets take a look at the facts, shall we?
1)Humans have been producing more and more carbon dioxide since the Industrial Revolution
2) Carbon Dioxide is a known greenhouse gas
3) The earth has been getting warmer and warmer

I refuse to do the math for the ignorant anymore. Figure it out yourself.

Blame the fat man...

If we apply the law of conservation of matter, which states that matter can neither be created nor destroyed, then fat people are the cause of starvation in the world. There is only so much food in the world, and fat people are eating a disproportionatly large amount of it. Not to rag on fat people or anything- I'm just saying that for every Twinkie you eat, God kills an ethiopian orphan. Of course, by this logic, smart people are the cause of stupid people and Religion is the cause of atheists.

The Essence of Greed

So I think that I've finally figured out greed, its nature, and its complex workings. But before I begin, there are something’s that you, the read, must be aware of. Bhutan is a country just north of India, and if you don't know where that is close this page rite now before I cyber- smack you. It is the only country in the world where the forest cover is growing, and the king has proclaimed that if the forest cover ever falls below 60%, all logging would stop. It is a heavily Buddhist society that shuns the desire for material possessions, such as cars, stereos, etc. In fact, Bhutan has gone to such great lengths to keep their culture pure from the commerce and economics of the rest of the world that they have gone from using GDP, to GDH- Gross Domestic Happiness. And I am dead serious. The king of Bhutan has mandated that they use Gross Domestic Happiness. This means that the wealth of the country will be measured by how happy the people are, and how satisfied they are with their lives.Now, that was just some background information about Bhutan that you need to know to understand my examples. Now let me get to my point. You see, in Bhutan most places don't have any running water, no television, no radio, no cars, no computers. They have only what they need to survive, and for fun they make their own toys and such. (Actually, they do archery for fun there. They have INSANE archers there that are accurately hitting targets much farther away than Olympic targets) And the great thing is, they are happy. They are perfectly content with basically nothing, and that my friends, is a beautiful thing. Now, let's look at the antithesis of Bhutan- America (because you know how much I hate America). America is an extremely capitalistic society. Our entire economy is based on free trade and business, which really is just a form of greed. Now, don't think of greed as all bad. Greed is what drives us to excel in life; it is what in fact keeps us alive. It is when Greed grows out of control that it becomes a problem. Anyway, back to my point. In America, we are raised around all these possessions. Buy This! Sale Here! Two for One! The Latest Gadget That Does Nothing Useful Or Practical For An Obscenely Large Price!! Because we have grown up in this society, we naturally want the newest and best thing on the market. It's not our fault, its human nature. However, if we are trying to attain true peace as many eastern philosophies define it- not longing for any material possessions, then we are basically fucked. I don't care who you are, if you have grown up in America, or any other capitalistic country, then you want the latest computer, or the fastest car, or the biggest SUV with the lowest MPG. And that is simply because you know it exists, and you know how much more convenient it is. If there is one thing that I think everyone can agree with me on, it is that people in this world are lazy. And notice I said the world, not just America. We're like a bunch of walking comatose zombies, who drink oil and eat trees. I am meandering off topic again, I apologize. You see, I think that it is simply your knowledge and familiarity to convenience that makes you want more of it. Once you realize that you don't have to do so much work, you will always desire for whatever it is that does the work for you.In Bhutan, however, people are much happier as a population than any place in America. People there are as content as possible with their minimalist lives. And I feel that this is because they have refused to embrace modern technology. They have not let themselves fall victim to convenience and laziness, and they continue to do things by hand as their ancestors did it. Most of the people in Bhutan have never used a computer, never driven a car, and never even heard of an ipod. Because they are not familiar with all the things that exist in the world, they feel they have everything there is to have, and they are perfectly happy with it. Unfortunately, it seems the seeds of greed are so thoroughly sown into the world that they are even infiltrating Bhutan. Cyber Café’s and television is slowly growing in Bhutan. Some cities even have cars that people use regularly. Their once innocent happiness may soon be gone forever.Now, the thought of happiness through giving up all material possessions creates a bit of a paradox. People are obviously happy in Bhutan with nothing but the clothes on their back, a social ideal that society should strive to achieve. But, without the embracing of modern technology, medical science would not have progressed the way they did. Millions more would be dead from diseases that are now easily cured through medication. The fact that many of these diseases came from advances in technology, and that science is trying to clean up its own mess shall be overlooked for now. So we have two worlds that can exist. One in which people are truly self-less, where people no longer desire the latest gadget, simply because there was no gadget to begin with. People will be content with whatever it is that they have. People will also die from epidemics that would otherwise be easily avoided through modern medicine. The other world is much like America, a capitalist society driven by greed. People have the drive to be greater than anyone else, because they what they get in return will allow them to satisfy their current desire, whatever new gadget it is that they want. In this world, people may never truly be happy. While there may be a façade of contentment, people will always be longing for the newer, faster, better, more. But, we will also have those few people who truly want to help one another. The people who will embrace modern technology and pioneer new methods of treating cancer, of curing Parkinson’s, and any other ailment that has so plagued humanity.It is my firm belief that these two worlds can never co-exist. Bhutan is slowly assimilating into the rest of the world. Buying in or selling out, however you want to look at it, but Bhutan is slowly giving up their ideals to become one with the rest of the world. The natural human desire for more will always overpower any other ideals, and the only way to subdue that desire is to convince yourself that it does not exist. To tell yourself “This is all I have. This is all there is. There is nothing more.”So now we are left with a choice. We must choose either to give up the material world in search of an eastern form of happiness, or choose to face the problems created by greed and capitalism.

I'm sorry...

As I've read through my past posts, I've realized that I have been bashing alot of Christians, and well, now I feel bad. So, this is my post to say I am sorry. You see, my problem with Christianity isn't with the entirity of it, its with a portion of it. The portion that want to kill every homosexual on earth, and forcibly convert every non-believer at gun point. I love the true Christians, the one who adhere to the "live and let live" philosophy. I love everybody. Except the Dutch... Fucking Dutch...jk. Just remember, I love everybody. Yes, even the Dutch.

So I find it fitting to finish off this post with a praise Jesus, and Buddha, and Allah, and Mohamed, or anyother being you see fit to eleveate to "God" status.

Versace introduces their new collection of Haz-mat suits...

...This could very well be what the headlines of fashion magazines read in the next twenty years. The latest edition of Time magazine is a speical report all about the effects of global warming, and it basically tells us how obscenely fucked we all are. All I have to say is that its about time. Thousands of men, all of them far more intelligent than the buffoon thats currently running our country, have been saying for years that global warming is a real threat. They have been saying that unless we do something, we are going to have a serious environmental crisis on our hands. Lo and behold, they were right. I guess before I get any further into this, it is fair to warn you that I am very, very angry about all of this. Even now, George Bush still says that global warming needs more research. When one of NASA's experts on the earths climate stated than unless we reduce CO2 emissions within the next ten years and keep them down we are going to face global warming on a scale unheard of, the whitehouse actually tried to censor it, saying that it was all speculation. Tell me this- how much of an idiot does one have to be to say that ice doesn't melt when it gets warm? Obviously, one must be the kind of idiot that so happens to find themselves in compelte control of the worlds most powerful military. I don't think people understand how amazingly serious the situation is. You see, the ice from the Polar caps are what regulate the earth’s constant temperature. Polar ice reflects 90% of the suns energy, thereby keeping the planet cool. As that ice melts, however, it obviously turns into water. The problem is, instead of reflecting the suns energy; water actually absorbs 90% of the suns energy. It is because of this that every mile of ice that melts does so exponentially faster than the mile before it. In other words, we’re fucked. In the next twenty years, there are going to be about 1 billion more Chinese people driving around in cars. Needless to say, that is a lot of pollution in the air. These greenhouse gasses are going to eventually kill us. And the man in charge of the most influential country in the world, the one country that has the ability to truly make a difference, ignores all scientific data handed to him. It truly worries me knowing that the man Bush has places in charge of the environment used to be a lobbyist for oil companies. Do you see the conflict of interests? Since the environment can’t exactly pay him anything, other than well, clean air and the paper he needs to print out his money, he obviously sides with the oil industry. As Bill Maher put it, we are going to be fossilized by the fossil fuels we worship. This is what really gets me angry though. See, I would always look at Bush with the most contempt I could possibly have for a man. But I always thought in the back of my mind, “In four more years, America will realize their mistake and we will have a competent president in office”. Now, however, I’ve realized that in four more years, it won’t matter who we have as president. The damage we are doing right now may very well be irreversible in the future. And this isn’t talking about future generations, its talking about us in our fifties. Remember, global warming is speeding up exponentially- meaning its speeding up fast. Unless everyone pitches in now, and actively makes a difference, we are all going to ruin the earth. Now ask yourself, what would Jesus do?

Ok, that was my angry little speech. Now we can get to the funny parts.

I have an idea: next time, when we vote for president, think. I’m tired of all these people praising Bush, saying he has “good, wholesome values”. Last time I checked, we were voting for a leader, not a breakfast cereal. To say Bush has “good, wholesome values” is like saying Hitler was the worlds greatest humanitarian. While ETS might let you write that in an essay, the fact is that you’re wrong. Keep in mind, Bush is the man who led our country into war, a war that he now says he started because of “intelligence errors”. This only reaffirms the oxymoronic statement “Military intelligence”. Sometimes I think that the world would be better off if Bush were in a coma. I honestly believe that his snores would be more articulate than him. An interesting thought- do coma patients snore? Anyway, that is beside the point. The “good, wholesome values” that have been wrongly attributed to Bush are the same values that made him want to privatize logging in national parks. These are the same values that made him want to teach creationism and make gay marriage unconstitutional. These, my friends, are not “good, wholesome values”. These are what we call, “Nazi, fascist values.” Or Christian ones. Speaking of which….
I was lured into an underhanded conversion scheme by a church the other day. My friend and I were lured in with the promise of all you can eat burgers for a dollar. Once we got there, they said that they had to preach to us for an hour before we got to eat. One of the pastors there went on talking, giving the most pointless and inarticulate speech I have ever heard. He used the word “like” improperly well over 100 times. And he tried to connect him almost being mauled to death by a bear as sign from God for him to be Christian. The only sign I can see in that is God saying “fuck off”. What bothered me the most was that he always said “I’m not trying to convert any non-Christians here today”, right after he got done saying “Have you ever stopped to think that the Bible is true?” And he would always look directly at me whenever he said that. But then, he said something that crossed the line. “There is more evidence that Jesus was alive than there is for evolution”. Get ready for it……..NO FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!! Maybe that’s because Jesus actually was a real person!!!!! But, let’s introduce this little idea- maybe he wasn’t the son of God? I know its blasphemy. To honestly believe all the stores in the Bible at true really baffles me. It says that Noah gathered together two of every species in the world, put them on a boat and managed to get them to fuck. There are 800,000 different species of insects alone. And, they are located all around the world, so Noah must have done quite a bit of walking. There is one explanation- maybe all the other species evolved from one insect? But no, that would go against the Bible as well. Remember, evolution doesn’t exist and all science is wrong. You see, every religion has its leader, and Christianities was Jesus. The problem was, no one followed him. They just took his last name and hammered some nails in his wrists. There is famous quote that says “If Jesus was alive today, there is one thing he wouldn’t be- Christian.” I completely agree with this quote. It really is sad that the people who have completely perverted Christianity give such a bad name to Christians around the world. Remember, I love everybody. I have absolutely no problem with Christianity, as long as it is true Christianity and not the kind that worships money.
I’m tired rite now, and I have to get back to my homework, so I will just wrap this up. Moral of this blog- sell your fuck-you-mobile, don’t support Bush, and be a true Christian. Buddhist is preferred. That’s all for now. Good night.

Intelligence

Ok, before I begin on intelligence, have you ever noticed that you can look at some people and just know how they smell? For example, you could look at some guy walking ahead of you at your school, and just know how he smells. THis may just be me. After all, I am crazy. Anyhoo...

Intelligence. Have you ever realized that there are some phrases in english that really mean nothing, and are used just to make the speaker sound intelligent? For example, the phrase 'way, shape, or form". The defendant has in no way, shape, or form commited this crime. Well, unless the defendant could perhaps become a triangle, or change his state of matter into, say, water vapor, it would be physically impossible for him to commit this crime in any other shape or form. That phrase was simply created to make an otherwise idiot of a lawyer look like Johnny Cochran. Another phrase would be "short, sweet, and to the point". Some teachers like their essays "short, sweet, and to the point". Well, woud you like me to dip my essay in powdered sugar for you? And if you want your essay to the point, then don't give me an F if I don't have an introduction. If a teacher really wanted me to write an essay short and to the point, (the topic is the mating patters of termites in the southwest) I would say termites are fucking horny. Last time I tried that, it didn't go over so well. The teacher must have had pet termites...

And, have you ever noticed how oddly life is structured? I mean, first you work your ass off at school so you can get into a good college (which is practically impossible for this graduating class because of that bastard Schwarzenegger). Once you have accomplished that, then you work your ass off even more in college to get a good job. After 4-10 years, you finally have your dream job where you work your ass off even more to make good money. You work hard to make good money so you can have a set retirement. So you wait until you get old, and once you retire, you get a smack in the face from Bush's dick saying "fuck you and your social security". You now have no retirement and become the werid old guy that people make fun of at Carls Jr. And all this happens if you live a normal life. If you die early, you're fucked. Which brings me to another point- stupid people piss me off. In this world, you gotta enjoy life while you can. If you live to a normal age, then life works out for you (relatively speaking). But if you die early, then you just got analy raped by a group of large black men. If you have terminal cancer, and are still in school, then you have just asked to be analy raped by a group of large black men with glass shards on their dicks. If you are going to die early, then you gotta just realize that you are not going to become a rich lawyer. In fact, you are probably going to die miserably, with a weird lump on your back. And if you are still in school while this is going on, then you fucking deserve it. You are wasting your life making your way up a system that will eventually screw you over. Its like driving all the way to San Jose, and then turning right back around. Only in this situation, you die before you get there.

Oh, and if you happen to beat life and the system and are 90 years old, please kill yourself now. Modern medicine has plagued the world with people living way longer than they should have. You wanna know why old people smell funny? Its God's way of saying "fuck off". Now, don;t get this wrong. I only want old people to die if they are the annoying type who think they rule the world because they lost their dick in 'Nam. No, you are just impotent, not God. If you are 90 years old and still cool, then you should live. In fact, if you are 110 years old and people can still stand your presence, then I think that killing off a few babies to keep you alive wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Well, this was my rant for now. It will probably be a while until I update next, because I am busy working the system and hoping to God that I dont die early. Enjoy.

George Carlin

"I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!
I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.
I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.
But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!"

This was the opening to George Carlin's show that i saw, and its called "the modern man". This man is an absolute comic genius.

I've done it

I have figured out why we can't solve any problems. We spend too much time researching the most useless things. One man in Boston, Massachusetts recently released his new invention to the general public. What was it? Prosthetic Dog Testicles. This man invested $500,000 on developing fake dog testicles. They even come in various shapes, sizes, firmness, and weight. Options we all wish we had. This man even won an award for his accomplishments, the IG Nobel Prize, perhaps the most useless award ever conceived. It is awarded to scientists who do basically the most bullshit research in the world. It was here that I learned that prosthetic dog testicles is perhaps one of the more legitimate endeavors undertaken by people throughout history. Two “scientists” in New England actually studied the brain waves of locusts …while they were watching Star Wars. Now I’m not sure, but I think that the brainwave activity would have gone down during that experiment, for both the locusts and the scientists. At the University of Minnesota, a group of researchers conducted experiments to prove whether or not you can swim faster in syrup or water. I am curious to know whether they used maple or strawberry syrup. Now, all these experiments have exactly one thing in common. They have provided the world with what is perhaps the most useless information ever. Although, if I was drowning in syrup, I would like to know my odds of survival. Even large companies such as Pfizer are wasting their time. They spend billions of dollars developing a pills that give you a boner for up to 36 hours. That would just hurt. But I can’t say all bad things about these experiments, because they do provide me with a lot of material to write about.

On a different note, I have further proof that the children are being left behind. Way behind, and I mean so fucking far back that the damaged children are passing them up. I was talking to a good friend today, one who shall remain unnamed as not to ruin his chances of ever getting laid, and he asked one of the stupidest questions I have ever heard. He was wondering whether saying “Fuck Bush” is illegal. America has reached a new low when the first amendment of the Bill of Rights is lost on an 11th grader in AP United States History. Bill Maher is right, either you learn the Bill of Rights or you don’t get social security. It is the same type of people who ask such stupid questions that believe that the government should censor newspapers, which is an alarming 30% of high school students. America is just full of problems.

Now even the richest people in this country are fighting amongst one another, and surprisingly it’s not for money. They are fighting over a parking spot. The people who are rich enough to build their own parking lot, plate the floor of it in gold, and then drive a huge Fuck- You Mobile over it are tying up our courts over a parking spot. Surely the courts could be dealing with something better, like the amazingly high divorce rate in this country. But I guess that is just America. We live in a land where the most privileged kids in the world throw it all away for a day in the mall, where gay people are a greater threat to America than terrorism (or Bush), and where it seems the very freedoms that are so blatantly abused by so many people will be the ultimate downfall of even more. I wish I could just get over it.

a message to my readers

This blog is one big joke. I am not trying to push any political agenda or convert anyone to any religion or political affiliation. While I may bash a religion, country, person, state, or whatever, that doesn't mean that I have anything against them. I will bash myself just as quickly, and if any of you want to insult me, go for it. This blog is only to make you laugh, and I hope it does. Don't be insulted when I make racist remarks or if I insult anything you happen to like. You gotta be able to laugh at yourself, so don't take offense to anything I say the same way I won't take offence to anything you say about me. I am not trying to make any valid argument with this blog, no matter how much that may seem. This blog doesn't accuratly reprsent my acutal political and religious views. I love everyone. That being said, fuck Bush.

Its official...

... America is the stupidest country in the world. A recent poll found that 55% of Americans believe in Creationism, 65% want Creationism taught along with Evolution, and 35% want only Creationism taught. Ok, either you learn the Bill of Rights and the Constitution or you can't vote. It seems the concept of seperation of church and state, one of the very principals this country was founded upon, is lost on the people that want creationism or intelligent design taught in schools. But at least something is being done about this. Some parents in Pennsylvania are suing the school board over their decision to teach "intelligent" design alongside evolution in the class room. Evolution deals with monkeys and apes, which are about 300 times stronger than humans. Evolution better fucking win. Anyway, these parents are being represented by the ACLU, because the teaching of intelligent design is a violation of the separation of chruch and state. The school board is being represented by the Thomas More Law center, a Michigan based non profit orginazation which says it uses litigation to promote "the religious freedom of Christians and time-honored family values."

Wait a minute....WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!! I have a few things to say about this. Firstly, it seems to me that "religious freedom" for these "Christians" means religious intolerance for anyone else. They walk around saying that they are being discriminated against, and that they are loosing their way of life. To that I say fuck you. You wanna know who's being discriminated against? Anyone who looks like they might be from an area around the middle east. Basically, me. I get stopped at airports all the time, I get my slippers and belt X-rayed, I get my bag searched, and I get frisked by sexually frustrated old ladies. I actually find it all quite amusing, because it just shows how much the terrorists "haven't changed our way of life".

Secondly, why is the school board, a GOVERNMENT organization, being represented by a christian law firm? Why is the government trying to preserve the "Christian way of life"? By using their logic, I should sue the government because I am trying to preserve the liberal way of life. I don't see where conservatives get their arguments on social issues. As a liberal, I am trying to give people MORE freedom socially. After all, America is the land of "freedom", isen't it? Conservatives are trying to take away peoples rights, all so they can preserve "their way of life", because God knows that two guys making out in San Francisco is going to affect a family of four in Kansas.

Texas is the real mystery

Disclaimer- I really have nothing against Texas or anyone that is from Texas. From what I hear, it is atually a very nice place. So please, if you are from Texas or area big fan of Texas, dont any anything I say here serioulsy.

Many people say that everything is bigger in Texas, and I am about to prove them the fuck wrong. Everything else in Texas may be bigger, but they are definitely lacking in one aspect- intelligence. The average IQ of a Texan is 92, which is below the average intelligence level of a normal American- and that is saying something. The average IQ of a person in America is 100, so Texas falls 8 points below the average. Now, in any case this is not a good thing, but with Texas, it’s even worse. You see, normally when a state kills off its entire retarded population, the average IQ tends to go up. Clearly Texas did something wrong. It’s ironic, because it seems people killing off the retarded people have turned out to be retarded themselves. Hopefully, for the state of the union, they will continue with this trend.

With an average IQ below that of the rest of the nation, only stupid things are bound to come out of Texas. Using George Bush as an example would be redundant, but I hate him so I'm going to do it anyway. Guess what George Bush's IQ is? (Hint- you can't have a negative IQ) Give up? It's a whopping 91. John Kerry's? 128. Clinton's? 182 (a fucking genius). It gives me great pleasure to state that I, and all of you reading this blog (yes, even you Manoo) have a higher intelligence quotient than George Bush. Both of them. How do I know this? Because you can read. Basically, Bush is an idiot. Want more proof? Google failure, and look at the first thing that comes up. It’s Google. It’s word is law.

Just for reference, mental retardation is between 75 and 85 points. Mississippi has an average IQ of 85. They voted for Bush. In fact, the stupider half of the nation voted for Bush, and won!!! This is easily explained by the fact that this is America, and if you were to divide it into stupid and smart, it would come out to a 75-25 split. But still!!!! The fact that the idiots of America run this country is outrageous!!! The average IQ of the stupidest state that voted for Kerry was 99. The highest average IQ of a red state was 100. Do you see the problem here?

Smart people voted for Kerry, but they were so heavily outnumbered by the dumb fucks of this nation that they lost. The notion that a Democracy can forward a nation in this situation is insane. I think that is why America is ruled by corporations. The founding fathers said “fuck it, this experiment failed”, and gave America to Halliburton. What California should do is hope to God we break away from the contiguous United States, so we can start our own country where the currency will be bills with a picture of a gas station on it.

Random thought- Why does Bush, and everyone else for that matter, always refer to the people of the United States as “Americans”? When Bush says “My fellow Americans”, he is actually saying “My fellow Canadians, Mexicans, Brazilians, Puerto Ricans, Nicaraguans, Peruvians, Chileans, Columbians, Venezuelans, Argentineans, Paraguayans, Uruguayans, and any other country in the western hemisphere of the world”. This can’t be right, seeing as he is affiliated with the party that fucked up El Salvador, Nicaragua, and many other South American countries. Someone should correct him, but then of course they would be arrested on suspicion of terrorist activities and detained in Gitmo for the next 14 years, waiting for their trial while being molested by sexually deviant guards. Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed. And yes, I know I contradicted myself with this random thought. It’s my blog. Get used to it.

I'm so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coldplay once said "We live in a beautiful world" in their song entitled none other than, beautiful world. Ha, I think not. We live in a confusing world, where nothing seems to be accepted. You do one thing, and it’s bad. You do the opposite, and it’s bad. You stay in the middle, and yes, that is also bad. Take for example, the problem of being an ass. If you have done something stupid in your life, chances are you have been called a dumb ass. This is quite an insult, because you are being called an ass, which is also known as a donkey, that happens to be dumb. Now, donkeys are not known so much for their intelligence as they are for the size of their cock. You are now a well endowed mammal with below average intelligence. According to George Bush, you are now a black man.

So obviously, being a dumb ass is bad. So let’s say that you decide to change things and you study real hard, get good grades, and you learn things that most textbooks don't know. So that friend that called you a dumb ass before, he goes and says something dumb himself. Being the good friend that you are, you decide to correct him, and the next thing you know, you are a smart ass. Now you are very well endowed mammal with above average intelligence. And surprisingly, this is bad. I am not here to fathom why that is, but we shall simply accept the fact that it is an insult and move on with our lives. So you were a dumb ass, and that didn't work out for you. So you learned some new things, and now you are a smart ass, which is also not good. So you take the next logical step and go down the middle road. Now you are just an ass. Girls think you are an ass. Guys think you are an ass. You are a well endowed mammal of average intelligence. You evil, evil person.

Please explain to me how we are supposed to please anyone in this world of dumb asses, smart asses, and just plain asses. It seems impossible to please anyone today, because there is always something wrong with you. If someone is fat and ugly, they get lipo-suction and implants. Now they are like a Barbie doll or Pamela Anderson- Plastics make it possible. A guy is old and balding, so he gets Rogaine or hair plugs. Now he is a fake. "We live in a beautiful world"? You know who lives in a beautiful world? People in Amsterdam. They live in a fucking georgeous world. Moral of the story? Don't go to Amsterdam, I want it all for myself. (And now I’m a selfish, greedy, capitalist pig)

Skizzle for the Mizzle

I think the pot is finally getting to snoop dog. It has long been known that pot kills brain cells, and prolonged use of it can infact lower your mental age. Some people who have been using pot long enough lack the mental ability to solve fraction problems. Unfortunatly, I believe this has happened to the Great Dogg. When Snoop introduced the suffix "izzle", I didn't think much of it. As usual, he was pounding out hit after hit, and this seemed like the next step. Oh, how wrong I was. I believe that, and this may be shocking to some, Snoop Dog has forgotten how to rhyme. He just created "izzle" so he can rhyme anything and make it sound cool. "Fo schizzle my nizzle"? What the hell is a nizzle? I really can't think of any word in the english language that could possible fit into that suffix. The favorite word among rappers could fit, but I am not at liberty to say it because I have grown quite fond of breathing over the years, and would like to continue to do so for many more to come. Now, I love Snoop. He is without a doubt one of the greatest rappers in the world, but lets face it. The man is getting old. He spent more money than most people make in a year on a bus to take his kids to their football games. He has kids, and they play little league football. He's old.

And on a completely random note, pistachios. The word reminds me of a potato mustache. And they make you thristy. Eat pistachios. They are good for you.

That paragraph was kinda pointless, so I will now attempt to find a topic on which I may elaborate. Hurricane Katrina. Bad shit. People are dead, people are dying, streets are flooded, black people are looting while white people are searching for food. Its just not a good situation to be in. Even worse is how the government is handling it. It took a 4 days for bush to form a plan on how to deal with Katrina. It really makes you miss the good ol' days when he only sat on his ass for 7 minutes. But he figured that he had time. After all, Jesus did walk on water. Ohh, but now Bush is blaming the states, and even the victims of Hurricane Katrina. He was saying that they should have evacuated when they had the chance, and made it to safety. Bush cannot possibly fathom why they didn't jump into their 70,000 dollar Range Rover and drive off to saftey. Hmm.... I wonder if Bush plays chess with Jesus.... I wonder if Bush knows how to play chess.... Anyway, my thoughts are straying. Well, with any luck, Bush won't declare war on Mother Nature for being, well, better than us.

And I apologize if this is the worst blog entry I have done. My agent (manoo) pressured me into updating. He is a good guy. He has a way with the ladies. And dont despise him.

Cat Vomit

This rant has absolutly nothing to do about cat vomit. After all, this is my random little world. Anyhoo....

So I was doing my part to stay informed at CNN.com, and I came upon a surprising article. So the CDC issued a health report saying that Heroin users are being exposed to a dangerous additive. Let's go over this again, just so that I make myself clear. HEROIN users are being exposed to a dangerous additive. This is a breakthrough. The CDC, using the vast amount of resources at their disposal, have come to the conclusion that heroin users, the people violently forcing a drug comprised of plant extracts, chlorine, ammonia, and nitrates into their veins, are being exposed to a dangerous additive. Its fucking heroin!!!!! As far as I'm concerned, that is the dangerous additive!!!!!!! Believe it or not, I find little comfort in the fact that the CDC, the people that I depend on to protect me from ebola, are spending tax dollars to find out whether or not there is a growth hormone in heroin.

I also take little comfort in knowing that my president is out joyriding while we are at war. George Bush went on a 17 mile bike ride with Lance Armstrong on Saturday, in what he dubbed the "tour de Crawford". Here's an idea- how about instead of wasting time biking in the "tour de Crawford", you go on a "tour de Iraq" and see just how much you fucked them over.

And speaking of fucking, why do people use Trojan condoms? I personally would never, ever trust them. Let's take a look at the Trojan Horse story. Odysseus concieved a plan to present a horse as a gift to the city of Troy. What Troy dosn't know is that the horse is filled with little men, so that night when everyone is either asleep or passed out, these little men jump out of the horse, raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer their weasly black guts out. This is how accidents happen. I would very much like it if my little men did not come spewing out of the horse in the middle of the night. I would sleep better knowing this.

Well, this is my rant for the day. Enjoy.

The combination of church and state (PART 2 OF 2)

It has been in my experience that people tend to have rather short attention spans, and to ask them to read a long article would be the same as asking the government to protect the constitution- far too much. Because of this, I shall now break down my longer rants into smaller, more managable pieces. And also cause it makes me feel special. But back to my rant...

So it seems to me that these people who want to teach intelligent design are trying to find a place for God in the government. These are the same people who wanted to place the Ten Commandments in front of our court houses, even thought only two of them are actually laws. I will be ok with this only when we have the Qur'an and the Bhagavad Gita right next to it. It really seems to me as thought this government favors this church. I was reading through all the laws regarding a sound permit the other day, and it said that you cannot use any sound amplifying equipment between the hours of 11pm and 8am, the only exception being EASTER SUNDAY SERVICES!!!!!!! Why does the church get speical treatment? There is even a debate over weather or not mosques should be allowed to play recordings of their prayers over loud-speakers during prayer times, because it could "disturb the peace". Church bells are the exact same thing, but with bells instead of words. And its all in arabic, so the white people who feel that the prayers are forcing words into their ears can go fuck themselves (this is one issue that really pisses me off).

And the people that are always praising Bush's faith-based initiatives piss me off. HELLO!!!!! 9/11 was a faith-based initiative!!! And when I say that, I don't mean that Islam is to blame. I'm saying that some sick fuck completely misconstrued the Qur'an and felt the need to kill people, kinda like Bush and the Bible. Bush wanted to amend the constitution so that it banned gay-marraige. Even though he never said it, im sure that that was also a faith-based initiative. If it weren't for the Catholic Church being so against gay marraige, then this whole thing wouldn't be an issue. Even still I'm surprised that it is, what with all the hypocrisy going on in the church. One lady sued the Catholic Church to get one of the preists to pay child support for his illegitement child. The Churches defense? You should have used contraceptives. Honestly, it's kinda sad when one of the biggest issues in America is gay- marraige. Bill Maher brings up a good point when he is asked why he cares weather or not gays should be able to marry, even though they have civil-unions. Why should gays have to be descriminated against simply because some prejudiced fuck stole the election?

Well, its 3 in the mornin right now, and I am way too tired to string together coherent thoughts, So I will finish this later.

Evolution vs. Naked Ladies and Talking Snakes (PART 1 OF 2)

So I was reading the latest Time, and there was a huge article discussing the debate over the teaching of "intelligent design" in our schools. What has really made this a big "controversy" is the fact that Bush supports the teaching of both sides. So basically, they want to teach creationism without the word "God". Now, let's review the facts.

The theory of evolution states that humans share a common ancestry with chimpanzee's, not that we have evolved from them. So that immediately removes the half-assed argument "If we evolved from monkeys, why are they still here?" It has been seen through out the fossil record that organisms have have gradually been getting larger and more complex. In the precambrian era, we see only bacteria and small microbes. As we move along, we see species becoming more complex, until finally we've reached the zenith, start declining and BOOM!!!- we've reached rock bottom and the only thing we can focus on is Janet Jacksons tit for half a second.

Intelligent Design states that organisms are too complex to have developed through evolution alone, and that some intelligent higher-being must have been involved. Like I said, creationism without the word God. In fact, there is no actual "theory" for intelligent design. There is no real evidence for it either. Basically, science has come upon something that it can't prove fully so people said "fuck it, this must be God". That just goes to show you how lazy America has become.

Some people say that there is no evidence for evolution, and when I hear that I honestly wonder if these are the crack babies I've read so much about. Hell, some people believe in micro-evolution, but not macro-evolution. Well, the surprising thing is, if you take a bunch of small changes, it eventually makes a big change. That is called addition and was in fact taught to you in kindergarten. That same principle can be applied to the formation of the eye. One cell micro-evolves to become light sensitive, and the one next to it does the same. The next the you know, all the cells are sayin "might as well jump on the bandwagon", and bada-bing-bada-boom, you have the eye. Of course that bada-bing-bada-boom probably took a few million years, and many creationists don't even believe the earth is that old. On that, I'm not even going to comment.

Save the planet... Kill yourself...

... such is the motto of the Church of Euthanasia, a church that believes that in order to save the world, humans should kill themselves. Why you ask? Well, it began with a dream... According to the website, founder Chris Korda had a dream in which an alien known as "The Being" came to him. The alien said he represents the human race in other dimensions and that the earths ecosystem was failing, but the leaders were lying to us about it. Chris then woke up moaning the motto, "Save the planet... Kill yourself". Don't believe me?http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/history.html

Anyway, this church forbids members to procreate, and it encourages suicide, sodomy, cannibalism, and abortion. By sodomy, they mean drinking your own urine. They encourage you to mix a bit of your morning urine (in the morning, its better apparently) with some juice until you get used to the taste. Now, humans have spent millions of years evolving into what they are now. Liquids go in, piss comes out. Why fuck with that now? It has been that way for many years, and it seems to be working just fine. I trust evolution, and if it says piss comes out, then I think it should come the fuck out. As for cannibalism, well, do I really need to comment? It caused Mad-Cow disease among cattle, and humans are pretty crazy as they are. Nature has a few rules, and one of them is don't eat yourself. Thats not too big of a restriction, is it? Next comes abortion. Now, I'm pro-choice, not pro- abortion. That would mean that any woman having a baby should get an abortion, and well, that would include my mother who did, in fact, bring me into this world. Weather or not thats a good thing is up to you. Ooooo, and remember the alimighty "being" mentioned earlier? Well, we have pictures of him. > http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/snuffit2/being.html

If a vacuum cleaner from the 1980's is the great intelligent being that represents us in other dimensions, then I wonder how intelligent that new Dyson is. Now, don't think that I'm picking on this religion only. Im only doing it because, well, its just so easy. I could write a similar rant about Christianity, Hinduim, or Islam, but I don't want to die. I figured an army of 10 people wouldn't bother me very much.


And also, why are fountain drinks so fucking big!?!?!?!? I was at the theatre yesterday, and my friend ordered a large Coke. But guess what, it came with a warning!!! The lady had to tell us that it wouldn't fit in the cupholder!!! I've been going to movies for a long time, and this is the first time that I have ever been somewhere that sells a drink to big for their own cupholders. Not wanting to hold his drink through out Stealth (which, by the way, is without a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen. I would rather dig a hole in my backyard), my friend went and got a medium. Guess what! That didn't fit in the fucking cupholder either!!!! What the hell!!! America is the fattest country in the world, and some people woder why. 2 out of every 3 american adults are either overweight or obese. In 1972, americans spent 3 billion dollars a year on fast food. Today, we spend more than 110 billion. And you wonder why America is so fat. In fact, if left unchecked, obesity will become the number one cause of preventable death in america, even above smoking. Now thats a scary fact. But on a brighter note, at least no one will die of second-hand obesity.

Freedom, you say?

In case you haven't noticed, I am a very liberal person. Being one, I am pro-choice, all for gay marraige (maybe they can get it right), all for euthanasia, and all that good stuff. Bush, of course, is against all of these for reasons that I completely disagree with. While selling the war in Iraq to the American people, Bush constantly preached, "they hate us for our freedom!". I say, lets keep it that way. It seems to me that Bush is trying to get us on friendly terms with the middle east by taking away the freedoms they supposedly hate is for. It kinda makes you wonder why they dont have any beef with Amsterdam...

Anti-gravity and the struggle against extremism

If you think about it, anti-gravity is a misnomer. Generally, it is used to suggest the absence of gravity, weightlessness. As it is, anti-gravity would be implying that there is a force pushing you up, so you would have a negative weight.

And also, what is this thing with renaming the war on terror a "struggle against extremism"? It seems that the Bush administration is trying to win support for the war in Iraq, and if you ask me, they are getting pretty desperate. In case any children reading this were left behind, remember, the founding fathers were considered quite "extreme". So were the civil rights movements and Gandhi. All of these were revolutionary, and I doubt the Bush administartion thinks of any of these as "bad". Without Gandhi, the British would be hogging all our outsourcing resources. God forbid our customer service calls are answered in America. But this isn't the first time a government has employed the technique to win support for a war. I saw it once before on some old news reels from the 1940's. I didn't understand them though, because they were in German. If the government wants to win public support for the war in Iraq, I have some advice: do something right. As Bill Maher pointed out, the Abu Grab-ass prison scandal was exactly what the Iraqi people feared would happen- that they would be humilated and that some red-necks would blatantly disrespect their beliefs. Now, the goal for the war in Iraq is something that I like- trying to make the world a safer place. Well, we have Saddam Hussein, but we also pissed the fuck out of a few million people. A safer world, you say?

Beer and getting Neutered

Why do they sell beer at gas stations? Especially at gas stations on interstate freeways. I was on the I-5, stopped at a gas station, and I noticed that they were selling bottles of beer, the big ass kind. There were 42,643 drunk driving fatalities in 2003, and some people wonder why? The fact that we are selling the shit on the side of the road might have something to do with it. If im driving down the I-5 at 90mph, I dont want anyone within a mile of me to have any alcohol in them. Im sorry, but I dont want to die a horrible, horible death in a mangled heap of imported metal with a toyota logo shoved up my ass. Not yet.

And also, why is it that people who are against stem-cell research because it "kills a life" say nothing about the neutering of an animal or a guy getting a vasectomy? If stem-cells kills a life, then either of those would be killing about 20 million. That makes the doctor kinda like Hitler. Or Bush.

Well, that was my rant for today. Farewell.

Car Horns

Why is it that the volume of a car horn is direcly proportional to the size of the car? This makes no sense to me. Why is it necessary for trucks the size of God to have a horn louder than fucking Krakatoa, but a small car like a pinto is about as loud as a tricycle? My experience has shown me that if you're gonna miss a car on the road, its gonna be a small one. If you can't see a Big Rig behind you, then you have bigger problems to be concerned about. Small cars should have loud horns, because they are easily missed and easily crushed under someone's Fuck-You Mobile (read:SUV). A loud horn would be somewhat of a reminder to other drivers, "Hey fucker, I'm right here so don't you even think about chaning the God damn lane!" Nice and kind, the way America should be. You never hear stories about someone changing lanes into a Chopper because those things are so damn loud that they are impossible to miss. If any do get run over, its because the driver meant to do it.

Well, thats my rant for the day. Farewell.

P.S.- I've always wanted to walk into a tattoo parlor and ask them what their return policy is.